Journal fron Nov 2012

So, it's fourteen minutes after my "bedtime" and I hurt pretty bad in my right leg. Being young, there's this urge..a deep need..to FEEL physical pain to lessen the emotional agony. I find myself in the complete opposite situation. Learning that my emotional pain and general discomfort might be causing me physical pain puzzles me. My mind is the delicate flesh and  these convulsing muscles are the dagger. Only, I can't take the weapon away. I can't put my weapon down. I am the pain inside of me;swallowed in this strange world. My prayer: it stops. My need: God uses it all for His glory. Be glorified in me,Lord.  What is the point, if all people see is the sickness and none of the healing? I need you now. I need you to see me and heal me miraculously. What am I without you? I am nothing. Thank you so much; Lord. I need every inch, ALL of your blessings to get through this. Don't you love me? Should I dare challenge that love? No, I shouldnt. And yet, I find myself doing just that. I feel like a child: arms crossed, eyebrow raised...prove it. It's more of a "God, please don't forget me. Make me special in a huge way. I hurt. Please make it stop. It is like no other pain. Nothing I do makes it stop. I know I need you. Please, be glorified in my complete healing. May I be a prophetess. One who communes with the Most High God. What would you have me do,Lord. I'm tired. Please pray songs of healing over me throughout the night and day. In Jesus name, let it be done on earth as it is in heaven.